


Doctor, Doctor Please

by anonniemoose



Series: Tumblr Prompt Oneshots [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Doctor Gabriel, F/M, Self Harm, Suicide, feelings of emptiness and lonliness, fluff piece, hospital au, mentions of:, nurse reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 00:54:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14581386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonniemoose/pseuds/anonniemoose
Summary: Being in the medical field is hard work and often, health care professionals burnt themselves out by not taking care of themselves. Gabriel should have been aware of the warning signs, but he, too, had distractions due to work that he was bringing home. So, when the hospital enforces leave on his wife, Gabriel is determined to figure out the root of the problem.





	Doctor, Doctor Please

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to fulfil all of gabriels-monthly-challenge’s challenges this month, and because I’m stuck at the library all night, I’m going to do another one whilst I wait for sunrise. Hopefully, I can get three fics out after the next one whilst I’m on prac, but I’ll be aiming for at a minimum three this month. All Gabe related at this point because, why not?
> 
>  
> 
> Also, kudos to those who can figure out my not so subtle song reference in the title.
> 
>  
> 
> Requests are also open, you can request here or find me on my [tumblr](crowleys-poppet-queen-of-assgard.tumblr.com)!

 

Being in the health department was hard work, for any person in the health care sector. Gabriel knew this due to the fact that he, himself, was a doctor, paediatric to be precise, and his lovely wife worked in the mental health department in the same hospital.

Gabriel knew the struggles that most doctors had to face, being in a high stress profession. People’s lives are literally in your hands, sometimes to the point where you are the only thing keeping them alive. You truly did not realise this until you have someone’s unbeating heart in your hand and you are the one thing squeezing blood around their body. And, on the tough days, it wasn’t uncommon for any doctor not to take care of themselves, something Gabriel knew he and his wife were particularly good at. And it wasn’t uncommon for any of your co-workers to go find the other to help each other through particularly difficult and teary times in the storeroom.

But, Gabriel often forget to check up on you. As much as he beat himself up about these things, you always reassured him that you were fine and could handle yourself and how work treats you alone. He never had reason to doubt you, so he never questioned you on it, only asking if your day was okay and if you needed an ear after he had finished his rant, which you always decline.

So, when several of your colleagues came up to ask him how you were going and voicing their concerns, he was shocked. Surely if you were suffering you would have turned to him?

Apparently not.

As it turns out, Y/N had been struggling for a long time but felt uncomfortable talking to him about it due to the fact that he had had a lot of deaths in the paeds ward due to an outbreak of chicken pox in PICU. And, rather than rant about her day, she let him have the spotlight.

Something that happened when her mental illness flared up.

Gabriel should have figured it out by now, but stress and anger at the one mother who thought she knew best and brought her unvaccinated child into PICU, carrying the chicken pox virus and causing an outbreak throughout the ward, it caused him to not see that Y/N had become quiet. Too quite. The thrown out razors with way too much blood on them to be ‘shaving accidents’. The sudden desire to remain covered at all times. Skipping meals. Restless nights. Not laughing at his corny and shitty jokes. Always offering assistance but never asking for it.

Twenty-two suicides.

Twenty-two suicides in a month, all under her watch.

Being the head of the mental health ward caused her to feel as if each death was a failure on her part, and she always took it personally. And, although winter usually ended with a higher rate of admissions and attempts, the success rate was extremely high in the hospital they worked in.

Gabriel was at a loss. He didn’t know how to approach the issue and he didn’t know how to get you to take care of yourself, especially seeing that Gabriel’s track record wasn’t exactly perfect on the matter.

As it turned out, he didn’t need to bring it up as you stormed home after an afternoon shift, Gabriel having dinner ready for you as he spent the remainder of his day trying to figure out a way to bring up the sensitive subject. Having been on the morning shift that day was marvelous because it meant that he could get insider information about your behaviour from staff without you being present without anyone noticing.

The loud slam of the door behind you causes Gabriel to jump and turn to see your deflated form melting into the chair. “Enforced leave.” Is all you say.

Gabriel’s heart dropped. It took a lot to be provided with enforced leave, it was mostly provided if you were a threat to your patients, and he knew you weren’t taking it well.

Now was good as any other time to bring it up, so as you started to poke and prode at your food, pushing it around the plate, he moves to sit next to you.

“Y/N,” he starts softly, “what’s going on?” Your eyes move to glare at him.

“I was told that I was in need of a break and they told me to come back in a fortnight.” You stated sourly. Gabriel nods before resting his hand on top of yours as it rests besides your plate, rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand lightly.

“I meant what’s going on with you? You haven’t been your usual self lately.” You shrug, ignoring how good Gabriel was at comforting you with a simple touch.

“Nothing.” Is all you offer, and Gabriel looks at you, unamused. “Seriously Gabe, there’s been an influx of suicide that I have struggled to deal with, but so have all the nurses. You gonna go down and ask them how they are coping too?”

“No, because they all use the resources there to help where you don’t, and they aren’t married to me.” Gabriel states calmly, knowing you were just delaying the answer for as long as possible. You had played this tango before and, although it wasn’t as fun as any other sort of tango you could be dancing, Gabriel knew the steps to this one all too well. “Y/N, I’m worried and your workmates are worried. They wouldn’t have put you on leave otherwise. You have gotten so quiet and withdrawn. Is it the workload? Or the sudden influx? There are ways to help you know, you just need to talk to me."

Seconds tick by in silence as you process what he says before you begin to answer. “Do you know what it feels like?”

“Do I know if what feels like?”

“Helplessness.” You whisper out, Gabriel’s lips tighten into an bitter smile.

“All the time.” You nod before you sigh.

“I feel empty all the time, like I’m not human, like I’m vacant. That’s why I got into mental health, to help others like me.” You start slowly. “Just because I’m not good at helping myself doesn’t mean I can’t help others. But, this, just…..so many people that I couldn’t help. It’s impossible. And all the new patients and rapid turnover of beds. You know I sent someone home yesterday even though I knew they shouldn’t have because the administrator told me to because his insurance didn’t come through? He killed himself that night and the next day the insurance company called to apologise. Computer error meant that they didn’t recognise him as a consumer.” Gabriel squeezes your hand as the other one comes up to wipe the tears from your face. “So, as it turns out, I can’t even help my patients. And no one understands how I feel, even just about the patients, no one could even come close to how I feel about the whole situation. I feel completely and fully, the emotions just take over every cell of my being and these people who died? I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry at myself. And I’m tired, I’m  _ tired _ Gabriel. I just want to sleep.” You take a deep breath. “Doesn’t help that Rory keeps reminding me how I’m not worthy of being loved and that I’m a failure in everything I’ve ever done.”

Gabriel’s sudden intake of breath shows that the use of your old nickname for your mental illness has made him realise how bad the situation has become. “Why didn’t you come to me sooner?”

You shoot him an emotionless smile. “ **If a mask is worn for so long, what’s underneath can be forgotten.** I’ve forgotten who I am. I’ve masked for so long, I don’t know how to be honest about this.” You say softly.

Gabriel is on his feet in a second, pulling you up and into his arms as he holds onto you tightly. “I know that you feel this way and it sucks, it really does. But, remember I love you and you are so worthy of that. You are strong and kind and damn good at your job. Those people who were suffering? You did everything in your power to help them but you can’t help them now. Learn something from them, remember them the best you can, but don’t let their deaths cause you to follow the same path. You are too damn important to me. I’ve lost patients and family and friends, but I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you too.” He can feel his shirt grow damp with your tears as you cry into his shoulder, clinging onto him tightly. His hand move to rub your back gently as your crying lessens slightly.

“I don’t know what to do.” You finally admit. He pulls back to look down at you, wiping away final tears and the tracks they’ve left down your cheeks with his thumb.

“We get you help, you of all people know there is no shame in asking for help. We figure out a balance of work and life that works for you that doesn’t weigh you down. You start baby steps and I’ll walk alongside you. You spend the next two weeks focusing on you and your wellbeing. But you will get better because I know you, and you are too stubborn to stay this way.” You snort, obviously slightly amused by his words.

“I love you.” You whisper gently.

“I love you too.” Gabriel responds, just as quiet. “You will never have to walk this alone, sugar. You never have. And you never will.”


End file.
